On Friday I woke up feeling great. Whilst in the shower I thought to myself 'I feel so good today I'm going to get on and do loads of chores or I might go out to the shops'. I couldn't help but laugh as I would think the same thing every day. However, by the time I got out of the shower I would always be so exhausted I had to lay down on the bed for a bit before I got dressed. Once I had taken the Crinone Gel I would be pretty useless for the rest of the day. A combination of being pregnant and taking the extra progesterone was really taking it's toll.
However, Friday was somehow different. I ate my breakfast and started cleaning. I finished one room and then started another. I couldn't really believe how good I felt and how much energy I had. Stupidly I put it down to the small breakfast I had eaten. I had decided to change my eating habits in a bid to combat the all day and night nausea I was getting. It seemed like my idea of eating lots of small meals a day was beginning to work.
Throughout the day I kept expecting the exhaustion and nausea to kick in but it never did. In fact, by the end of the day I still felt pretty good. It was like everything had changed. Even smells that had previously made me feel sick were not bothering me anymore.
That night I started to panic in my sleep and the nightmares were pretty bad. I kept waking up, wondering where my pregnancy symptoms had gone. Then thinking of things to Google for reassurance. By 6am I couldn't take it anymore and I grabbed the iPad, typing in everything I could think of for reassurance. I ended up looking for private clinics that were open on a Saturday. I knew that the only way I could be truly reassured was to get a scan.
My fiance woke up, catching me in the act, asking 'what are you Googling now?'. I told him 'my pregnancy symptoms have gone'. He tried to reassure me but deep down I knew the truth. I started crying and I said 'I think the baby has gone. I think our baby has died. I don't feel pregnant anymore'. He cuddled me and told me not to be so silly.
In the end he agreed that I could pay for a private scan. That's just the kind of guy he is. He would rather get a scan and stop my anxiety (which would be bad for the baby) than worry about the money.
After ringing around loads of different places we finally found an ultra-sound clinic that was willing to fit us in at the end of their working day. It was an hour's drive away and the scan would cost us £89. None of that mattered as it needed to be done.
My fiance was convinced I was being anxious and that the scan was happening just to reassure me. But sadly I felt different and knew it would take a miracle if our baby was there. Nothing made sense. If I was still pregnant then where had my symptoms gone? I had felt terribly ill and pregnant for about 6 weeks. Those kind of feelings don't just disappear over night.
Whilst in the waiting room one couple came out crying and my fiance told me later that he had thought 'those poor people, at least we won't be coming out in a state like them'. Meanwhile I felt incredibly panicky and anxious and I really wasn't holding out much hope.
As soon as the sonographer got the baby up on the screen we could see that there was no heartbeat to be seen. My fiance was devastated and totally in shock. I on the other hand, was incredibly upset but but not shocked as I already knew.
I worked out that the cramping I had last Wed and Thurs was when this all probably occurred. But what's really awful is that my body still thinks it's pregnant so the baby is still inside. I'm having what's called a 'delayed miscarriage' and quite honestly I don't know what on earth to do.
It's a bank holiday weekend and nowhere is open. The IVF clinic have an emergency number but no one has called me back. I tried calling everyone from the Early Pregnancy Clinic to midwives, and our local maternity unit too. Nobody can help me. In the end I resorted to ringing 111 and after 4.5 hours an on call doctor finally rang and said I could wait and see what happens or have a D&C (an operation to have it removed).
Now I have to wait until Tuesday so I can ring my GP and get referred to the Early Pregnancy Clinic, where hopefully they'll be able to advise me what to do.
The whole thing is pretty horrendous and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm really scared about what's going to happen to me now. I read online that if I miscarry naturally it will be a bit like going into labour and to expect there to be a lot of blood.
We both feel so upset, tired and keep on crying all the time. What a sad ending to something that we thought was going to be so damn good.
Jess. xx
